“I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact. Yup”.
It really got me laughing
1. When I was about five years old, I told my older sis who was eighteen years then and just got married to her heartthrob that he was just her boyfriend and I was his wife, the mortification effect of that statement still haunts me to date, to think I even knew what “boyfriend” was back then. I must have been suffering from oral diarrhea that day. Once in a while a family member still brings it up and I grimace inwardly.
2. One faithful day I and my sibs were watching the telly, I think it was a play about cultism in universities, I was about eight years or thereabout, a girl in the play had just been raped (in my house, am the youngest and as at then I had a couple of older ones in University and Secondary School). After the play ended I just blurted out in a verrrrrry loud voice “RAPE, RAPE, RAPE…..PLEASE YOU PEOPLE SHOULD TELL ME, WHAT IS RAPE?”. My sister nearly twisted my mouth like a mop-head that day cos if my parents had heard that, it would have landed them in some sort of trouble.
*My sharp and loud mouth as a kid did not have part two, my sibs planning something secretly in my presence was like yelling it on the rooftops and surely they did not hesitate in curing me of my “mouthataitis”.
3. When I was in first year at Uni……. Mehhhhhn, still felling fresh and funky, I had this “chaiker” that was in 2nd year, I never forget his name…Evi (for confidentiality purpose I shall not include his last name even though am tempted to), this dude was literally stalking me about school, I’ld be walking with my clique and one person would go “see Evi, see Evi!” and I would dive for cover. The guy made it a duty to come for ward rounds in my room every night, not even the direct and indirect insults I gave him could stop him, instead he would just smile with *bbm lovestruck eyes* Ok, back to the matter at hand, on one of his numerous visits to my room. I was with my bestie who was also one of my room-mates and she was in her corner doing some stuff, suddenly NEPA struck………I don’t know how to “gist this gist” eh, but what I saw was the shape of someone’s head moving close to mine and then lightning and crack, bang, wap, zap sounds….Apparently what had happened was that the stupid cupid-struck boy had attempted to steal a kiss in the dark and my bestie, being the eagle-eye ninja that she was swooped on him and gave him the beating of his life, I was just paralyzed to the spot with shock while she beat him out of the room and warned him never to come back, he never did! And my friends had something to talk about for months.
4. I really have this baby face that make people count off numbers from my real age. While in my final year, I went to my sister’s house to get off some school stress and relax to write a chapter of my project. Was sitting at her balcony and writing my best grammar to impress my project supervisor when a male visitor came. He took one look at me and said “Eiyaa!, I see you are preparing for your WAEC, Jisike! (meaning: well-done) My little niece burst out laughing. I couldn’t explain to the guy that I had spent one year at home after JAMB and five years studying Law at the university, I just nodded and said ”OK!”.
5. In 2009, while serving my father-land, I redeployed from Kogi state to FCT after orientation. When we got into Camp after the registration, the guy at the store was just dishing out the kits without checking the sizes or our sizes as a matter of fact. This dude was there begging the store keeper “Abeg, oga my khaki is a three-quarter!”. The guy just hissed and retorted “don disturb me hia!!!, make you go mammy add materia!” and continued dishing out the kits. Needless to say, mine ended being intended for a yokozuna. Frequent visits to mammy could never bring it down to my size”. Sooooo, I redeployed o, and on the day I was to take my letter to the FCT secretariat, I was walking down the road close to the place with joy and cherry thoughts as per Abuja big babe concerned when I felt something falling down my legs. I didn’t get it initially and kept walking when I suddenly looked down and saw that my beloved oversized khaki had slipped. I quickly grabbed the waist and hitched it back up while looking around to see if anyone had spotted me…luckily, no one had to the best of my knowledge. I ducked behind a car and made sure I knotted my belt till I could hardly breathe.
Let me add a sixth one, though not mine but belonging to my brother. We still tease him all the time about it.
6. My sister came home one day complaining of a sharp pain in her tummy, she told my mum that she thinks it might be ovulation as she gets the pain on her ovulation date according to her cycle. My bros, Amebo jumped up from where he was and went “Ovulation abi? It happens to me too and all the time!”. He thought it was stomach pains…We still yab him today, even though he’s old.
Right now, I kind of handle my moments especially ones caused by utterances so they don’t turn into epic ones unless they are acts of nature or divinely orchestrated.
photo credit: acidcow.com
